talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
