I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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