theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
