I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
