paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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