WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Text me some of your sweat
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
