Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
