are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
