mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
