did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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