Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
