just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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