If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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