so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
