I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He has the fingertips of a God
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