I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So much rum. So many feels.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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