Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(845): View more from New York

puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.

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(519): View more from Ontario

turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(585): View more from New York

Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.

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