I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
