He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
