Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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