remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
4 words: hood of his car
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
