Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
