like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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