I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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