There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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