Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
