His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
