so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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