Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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