So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
