I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
