So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
