i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
