hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
