FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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