just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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