He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
