my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
