if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
