I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
