I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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