He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
