I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
