ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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