I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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