She just used a chaser for red wine.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
