you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
