did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
