Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
