just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
